Put the blame in the right place

I remember hearing the tragic and horrific story about Eliza Fletcher when it broke.  She was a thirty-four year old teacher and runner living in Memphis, Tennessee who was kidnapped and ultimately murdered by a man driving an SUV while running at 4:00 in the morning on September 2nd, 2022.  Many people have spoken out about this incident on social media and have dedicated runs to her in her honor.  "Finishing Eliza's run" so to speak.  The other day I Googled Eliza Fletcher's name to read up any recent news surrounding her death.  When I Googled her name here are the top three articles that pop up.  "Eliza Fletcher's murder reminds female runners of threat while running", "Women reconsider running gear, safety after Eliza Fletcher's death", and the third one, "Man accused of killing Memphis teacher Eliza Fletcher pleads not guilty to unrelated 2021 rape charges".  

What happened to Eliza Fletcher is bad enough.  It's a horrific act, and I hope that the man who committed this act goes to prison for a long time and gets his ass kicked.  I'm using the term "man" pretty loosely because guys who do this kind of stuff aren't real men, they're pathetic cowards.  My good thoughts go out to her family and those who were a part of her life.  I wish them all the best through this difficult time.  But people, this problem only starts here.  This problem is much bigger than what happened in Memphis at 4:00 AM on September 2nd.  Out of the top three Google searches I mentioned above, the first two, I think, fully showcase the severity of this problem.  Whenever something like this happens people always look to women to be more aware of their surroundings and protect themselves more.  I understand the need for this, but it sucks that women have to be put in this position.  "Why were you running alone?" "why were you running at 4:00 AM?" "You shouldn't have been wearing what you were wearing".  Uh, say what?

The last I heard, we as Americans, women and men, can run whenever we damn well please, and we can run alone, with one another person, or with a hundred other people if we feel like it.  When this kind of thing happens we need to stop blaming the victim.  If it had been a guy who was out running alone at 4:00 AM, would we be asking why he was out alone, or why he was running so early in the morning? Hell no.  Again, I understand the need for women to protect themselves, but I don't think that creating a fear based environment for female runners is the solution to the problem.  The real solution to the problem is holding men to a higher standard and holding them accountable for their actions.

Just about every female runner I know has endured some form of bullshit from guys while running alone at least once.  They've been cat called, stared at, or harassed.  Whenever I hear these stories I feel sorry for them and the first thing out of my mouth is "I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  That's just not right".  Telling them that they shouldn't run alone, they shouldn't run at certain times of the day, etc. never even crossed my mind.  Why?  Because we shouldn't be blaming the victim.  They're not the problem.  The pathetic scumbag dudes are the problem.  And they need to be educated.

I hope sometime soon the day will come when people finally realize that men need to be held more accountable in situations like this.  I'm not being a traitor to my gender, but we really need to do better.  It's important that we make our wives, girlfriends, fiancés, female friends, sisters, cousins, moms, aunts, etc. feel like they don't have to be so scared of running alone or at certain times of the day.  Unfortunately this won't be the last time something like this happens, but I hope that one of these days, the Google results will yield more articles about tips for parents on how to education their sons about these types of horrific acts and harsher sentences for the perpetrators of these crimes.  That is where the real problem lies.       

From Runner to Working Dad Runner: How It's Going So Far

On December 11th, 2021 when Sam and I found out we were expecting a baby (yes, I remember the exact date!), a lot of thoughts were going through my head, most of them positive.  As I processed the news and wrapped my head around what was going on over the next week I was thinking a lot about the future.  The thought of "I won't be able to run anymore" never crossed my mind.  It was always "I'll find a way to do it".  I knew that my life was going to change, but I was determined to not completely throw it away.

And I'm happy to say that my determination has been paying off.  So far, at least.  I'm only five weeks in, so I'm taking it one week and one month at a time.  When the dust settled, I was excited as all hell to be having a baby.  Just weeks beforehand, I didn't know if I would ever be a dad.  I was pretty indifferent about it.  I always thought "if it happens, awesome, if not, that's cool too".  But now it was happening and I couldn't wait.  We soon found out we'd be having a boy.  There was a lot we had to do to get ready for his arrival, and part of the preparation was planning for how I could work running into this new life that I would soon find myself living.  Why was I so determined to keep my running going you might ask?  Well, if you read these blogs regularly and if you know me pretty well, you probably already know the answer.  It speaks for itself.  But in reality, running is one of the two sports that I discovered in life that really changed me.  Skiing, which I discovered at ten years old, was the other one.  I'll do a deep dive into that story in a separate blog post sometime.  Running has not only kept me physically fit and healthy for over thirteen years now, but it's one of the best psychological exercises out there in my opinion.  There's nothing quite like grabbing my iPod, changing into my running clothes, and hitting the pavement or trail to clear my mind.  Running has changed me for the better as a person and I knew that I wouldn't be able to be a good dad to our little dude if I didn't continue to make it part of my life.  

As the pregnancy progressed, I thought more and more about how I was going to continue my running.  I eventually simply told myself I'd do the best I could and I should keep my expectations low for the first couple of months.  That was good enough for me.  Even if I could only run eight to ten miles a week for a little while, that would work just fine.  So far, I've managed to average about twenty miles of running per week since Aidan was born.  And I'll say, weaving running into my life while being a father to a newborn baby takes creativity, time management, and the willingness to blow off sleep.  Which means it isn't always easy.  Most week days I run two or three miles.  They've been at all times of the day, depending on my schedule.  I've gone on weekday runs at times like 10:30 PM, 7:30 AM, 8:00 PM, and 4:00 AM.  Because I don't have to work on weekends and I have more flexibility, I'm able to run a little longer on weekend days, around six to eight miles.  Basically, I squeeze it in whenever I have time.  If Aidan and Sam are both asleep, that's the best opportunity.  One particular morning a couple of weeks ago, Sam finished feeding Aidan around 4:00 AM and they both fell asleep shortly after.  I was about to doze off too, but then I thought to myself "this is a great time to go run, let's do it!".  I got out of bed, put my running clothes on, and managed to do a three mile run, a twenty-minute strength training workout at the gym, take a shower, and do a couple of things for work before crawling back into bed at 5:45 AM for an hour and a half long nap before getting the rest of my day started.  I'm a morning person by nature, so the mornings that I can get up really early and get a run in and go to the gym are the mornings when I feel the best and the most productive.  I would love for that to happen every morning, and I'm going to try my best to do so, but when it can't happen that way, going for night time runs and switching it up sometimes is cool too.  Sam has also been super supportive when it comes to getting out for runs, for which I'm incredibly thankful.

And I'll tell you man, the actual runs themselves have felt different since I've become a dad.  We runners often talk about experiencing the infamous runner's high.  I've experienced many since Aidan was born, even if they're only three mile runs.  I mentioned above that I consider runs to be as much of a psychological exercise as a physical one.  When I run and unpack all of the awesome and challenging times that Sam and I have gone through with the little dude so far, the feeling is simply electrifying!  Sometimes it makes me feel like I could run forever.  Like I'm running across a fluffy cloud.  It makes me want to share my running with Aidan, and I know I will get the chance to do so soon.  We've taken him on a lot of adventures already and he really seems to like being outside, just like his parents.  When he's outside he usually sleeps a lot, which to me, is his way of saying he's enjoying himself.  I'll never force running on him by any means, but I definitely plan on exposing him to it quite a bit.  He may love it, he may hate it, or he may be indifferent.  We'll wait and see.

Even though I never planned on giving up running when Aidan was born, I often found myself wondering when I'd start racing again.  My plan was to just take it as it comes.  So far it's actually been easier to continue running while fathering a newborn baby than I thought it would be, so I recently decided that I would sign up for a couple of races in the fall.  I'm going to be doing a local 10K run for San Jose Vietnamese Running Club in early October, and I'm planning to run the Berkeley Half Marathon in mid-November.  I don't plan on signing up for any ultras until next year, and we'll see which ones those will be.  Hopefully Canyons 100K again, and some others, depending on how the next several months go, and what will fit into my schedule.  Just like going on daily runs, it will take some working around, planning, creativity, and time management, but I sure as hell am up for the challenge.  I've learned a lot over the past five weeks, but one of the most important things is I've learned that if I have a newborn baby, especially for the first time, I can be a good parent, a good partner, and be productive at work without completely throwing away my own needs and interests.  If I don't take care of myself, I can't be any of those other things.  I would just be a miserable jerk.  But I've learned that in order to make it all happen, I need to look at it as a challenge rather than a "you can't" kind of situation.  When you view obstacles in life as challenges rather than the end of the road, you find a way to work around them.  I don't know what the next several weeks, months, and even years will throw at me, but so far, I can say I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm determined to do my best to keep it that way, despite the challenges of fatherhood.  Because if you're miserable, then what's the point, right?