November is a pretty cool month. Halloween kicks off the holiday season on the last day of October, which means when November comes around, people are starting to get into the holiday spirit. I'm a big fan of the holiday season, so I think of it as a fun time of year. But for me personally, November is significant in a couple of other ways.
This past November marked the twentieth anniversary of my mother's death. The day we lost her, November 10th, 2005, was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt like my family had been destroyed and I wasn't sure if I would ever be okay again. It was a lot for my teenage brain to process. Now, twenty years later, I can sincerely say that I am okay and at peace. That doesn't mean I've forgotten about all the pain I've felt. I still cry about it once in a while. I miss my mom dearly, and I think of her all the time. I'm at peace because I've come to terms with the situation and I've managed to find a way to cope with it. Every year when November 10th comes, it's hard to not think about the significance of what happened on that day in 2005. My thoughts and feelings about the anniversary of my mom's death have varied over the years, but in recent years, I've chosen to reflect on how far I've come. It's been one hell of a journey over the last twenty years.
Here's an idea of what the state of my life was like on the day my mom died: I was nineteen years old, living in an apartment with my two friends. I had just kicked off my sophomore year at Western Michigan University. Sounds pretty cool, right? At the time, I thought it was, but looking back, I can say that it wasn't as cool as it could have or should have been. I was unfulfilled. I didn't have any health issues, but I wasn't in good physical shape. I had some extra body fat. I was drinking quite a bit, especially on weekends. Most days, my diet only consisted of two trips to the McDonald's down the street: one in the afternoon for lunch, and another late at night for dinner. Besides alcohol, I only drank soda and coffee. I didn't even drink water to try to prevent hangovers. I never exercised, and the only running I did was running away from cops when they arrived to break up the house parties I frequented. In other words, I was living the typical debauchery filled college kid lifestyle.
The day my mom died was the beginning of a long healing journey. My brain didn't know how to work through such a life-altering situation, so I dealt with it the best way I knew how. At first, I tried to heal by simply downplaying the situation. "It happened. Why should I be upset about it?" I thought. I tried to carry on as nonchalantly as possible, but my friends and family were freaked out by how normal I was acting. They knew something wasn't right. As time went on and reality sank in more, I went through other grieving phases. After the "trying to play it cool" phase came the "haze" phase. My whole reality seemed as if it were a dream, and it was like I was here but not here. It was weird. I eventually began to think more clearly and observe the world from a different perspective than I had for the past nineteen years. I started being nicer to people and not taking things for granted. When I went to a party or the bar, I prioritized social interaction over drinking to get drunk. I started taking better care of myself physically and psychologically. I had lukewarm feelings towards therapy, but I'm glad I decided to go as an adult. I learned a hell of a lot in five years of weekly therapy sessions.
My journey took me from Michigan to Chicago, and eventually to California. I faced several obstacles along the way, and had many ups and downs. The ups were lots of fun and the downs were good learning opportunities. It's wild to think how different my life is today compared to twenty years ago. I knew there was no way I could keep up that lifestyle forever, but I don't have any regrets about my life before my mom's passing. There's a time and a place for every phase of life. My mom's death was one of the biggest tragedies of my life, but it made me who I am today. I'm grateful for that.
Other reason why November has been important to me in recent years is because November is Alzheimer's awareness month. My father has been struggling with this awful disease for the last few years. At first, we thought it was just memory loss from old age. But as time went on, and his dementia became more prominent, we knew it was something more serious. It took me some time to get my head around what my dad was dealing with. Thanks to therapy and research, I've been able to accept the reality of what's going on. Alzheimer's sucks. There's no other way to put it. There's no cure for it, and the cause is largely unknown. Depression, lack of physical activity, and smoking have all been linked to Alzheimer's disease, but there's still lots of research to be done on what causes it and how it can be cured. The symptoms can be treated, but sadly, treatments usually don't have a major impact. The last time I saw my dad in person, we kept it light and casual. Everything was pretty matter of fact. There were no deep conversations, no catching up, no conversations about past times. We sat together, watched movies, had some laughs, and made some small talk. That was about the extent of our interaction.
What happens during Alzheimer's is a disproportionate amount of microproteins are deposited into the prefrontal cortex of the brain. Eventually the accumulation causes disruptions in normal brain cell activity and causes motor neurons to malfunction. This results in memory loss, the diminished ability to speak, eat, move, and eventually, the inability to breathe. So, it's not that my dad didn't want to have conversations with me. He just couldn't. It's hard because we've created a lot of great memories together over the years, but I know those memories live within my dad's mind somewhere. Educating myself on Alzheimer's and psychologically processing what's happening has helped me accept my dad's situation. Unfortunately, it's not going to get better, but the more I understand, the more at peace I am with what's going on. It's gotten to the point now where just being in my dad's presence is enough for him and I to spend time together. I'll aways be grateful to him for all that he's done for me.
November is about fun and holiday vibes, but for me, it's also been about acceptance, awareness, and reflection. Accepting the fact that my mom is gone and my dad has Alzheimer's disease. Being aware of what Alzheimer's is and knowing how it works. And, reflecting on how far I've come since my mom's death twenty years ago. Overall, it's a very positive time of year. And of course, it's also a great time to be thankful for all that I have, especially on turkey day.
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